I don’t know about you, but I’m so sick and tired of hearing business people use chippy corp-speak that it makes me want to puke.

For example, maybe you’ve heard CEO announcements like this one: “Our proactive re-engineering initiative will be given velocity by alliancing with our best-of-breed partners. By co-opting this confederation, we will be expanding our bandwidth for competitive intensity and dynamics that will take globalization to the next level. We will create a results-driven paradigm shift in our industry that will enable our enterprise to leverage our knowledge resources and grow market share, and are beginning to socialize this new initiative to see how it resonates in the market.”

I believe that most people would agree that executives who talk in this doublespeak should be taken off-line or de-hired. And to that I say, “Amen, brother!”

To help heavy-hitters avoid these terms – and help the rest of us understand what they mean – I’ve collected and defined some of the most popular buzzwords in the current corporate lexicon:

Bandwidth: Not a musical term or an Internet term, it means the capacity or ability to do a certain task. For example, while he thinks he does, my dog does not have the bandwidth to be in charge of the house.

Coach: We’re not in Little League sports anymore, for crying out loud! Why can’t we just say “manager”? Sometimes the person running the organization is also refer red to as a “counselor of performance” or a “facilitator of talent”. Who dreams up this crap anyway?!

Drill down: Not a reference to oil fields or dentistry, this means examining something in more detail. Bad News Bears–type “coaches” like to use this phrase as a threat to the “human resources”.

Helicopter view: This is not about traffic choppers monitoring the freeways. Giving this simply means providing a summary viewpoint of a situation – even if one is afraid of flying.

Human capital: A reference to living, breathing human beings who apply their skills to do a job, for which they are compensated (a.k.a. people). People can either be an organization’s greatest assets or its greatest cost, depending on how they are viewed, valued, and managed. Knowledge transfusion: This has nothing to do with needles or IV tubes; rather, it’s about one person teaching another person how to do something – wow, is that tough.

Level 5 Leadership: If someone has exceptional leadership skills, they are said to be at Level 5. That must mean everyone else is at levels 0 through 4. Who determines our level, or can we just anoint ourselves to level 5? I don’t get it!

Parachute someone in: This does not imply a re-enactment of the D-Day invasion; it simply means asking for extra help – get it?

Real time/face time: This means talking to someone face to face (not by voice mail or e-mail – a novel concept). But doesn’t “real time” imply that all other time is fake?

Resonate: As in, “This ad campaign resonates in the market”. Why can’t we just say, “Consumers like it”?

Running out of runway: Outside of the realm of pilot training, this phrase means that an organization is running out of money or time; you’re left to guess what the consequences of doing nothing will be.

Socializing the message: This is used when someone wants to give the impression that their idea is so superior that everyone needs to hear it. It is so important that it cannot just be communicated, it must be socialized.

Strategic alliance: Not a Star Wars movie, but a term that simply means two organizations have decided to work together. (But Darth Vader did find out about strategic alliances when Luke Skywalker and Han Solo teamed up against him.)

Taking it offline: This is not the same as bringing in the clean laundry. It means discussing something in private at a later time rather than in front of others. This can be used to show off if you have confidential knowledge about something and you believe that knowledge is power. However, all it really proves is that you are a snob.

Traction: This doesn’t refer to what you get with new tires on the minivan; it means something is a good idea, as in “Wow, this new product proposal really has traction”- as if anyone can actually say that with a straight face.

Win-win situation: This is what happens when everyone is satisfied with the outcome, such as me being happy that you read to the end of my list.

Miscommunication: The Latest Corporate Trend

Creating new catch phrases and buzzwords seems to be the in thing to do. It’s as if people can only fit into the executive club if they use the latest lingo, even though it sounds silly to everyone else. A recent survey by a recruitment firm in the United Kingdom found that 55 percent of workers polled used office jargon in meetings; 20 percent felt obligated to use corporate lingo to compete with their coworkers– even if they didn’t understand the meanings of the terms!

A few new terms are bound to pop up here and there with new management philosophies, such as the terms associated with the total quality management movement in the ‘90s. New technologies also spawn new words, as is the case with e-commerce terms cropping up in the past several years.But, let’s not get so carried away that we end up saying nothing! I’ve heard some speakers turn nouns into verbs: visioning, incentivising, alliancing, et cetera. What a bunch of hogwash!

There are several reasons for the current state of the corporate lexicon, one being that executives are busy people. In a fast-paced business environment, sometimes it’s easier to use one buzzword to communicate an entire sentence’s worth of thought. Also, executives are competitive, and using corporate jargon gives the impression of being on the cutting edge or being a leader. Or it may be that executives don’t want to assign blame or responsibility to anyone, so they diffuse blame by being vague: saying “issues” instead of “problems”, or “human resources” instead of “people”.

Some executives who speak with an overabundance of corporate jargon are deliberately trying to disguise their meanings and confuse their audience. They believe that if they talk fast enough and include enough buzzwords, they may overwhelm their audience and persuade listeners to believe they’ve actually said something meaningful. Or maybe they think they can demonstrate their vast knowledge by using an endless supply of chippy talk; how stupid it makes them look!

On the other hand, I suspect that some executives use the latest corporate catch phrases to mask their
inexperience or lack of expertise. If they say the right things, they think they can fool others into believing they actually know what the hell they are doing.

On the other hand, I suspect that some executives use the latest corporate catch phrases to mask their inexperience or lack of expertise. If they say the right things, they think they can fool others into believing that they actually know what the hell they are doing.

Straight Talk

Sometimes corporate jargon can be advantageous, such as when it is used to build relationships or pull an organization together to support a common goal. But most of the time, jargon is misunderstood and destructive. When it is used to show off, to control a meeting, or to flaunt expertise (i.e., to exercise power), it excludes and confuses. Jargon complicates relationships and makes them impersonal.

Taken to an extreme, some buzzwords are as rude and degrading as the people using them. For example, using the terms “road warriors” or “human capital” to describe employees is simply humiliating. Especially in the wake of recent corporate scandals, employees and shareholders are highly cynical toward business leaders. Executives have to prove their honesty and trustworthiness, and it doesn’t help when they are rude and pretentious by using corporate jargon that no one understands. It may be cute to use jargon in board meetings, analyst conference calls, or technical meetings with the engineers or IT folks, but otherwise it’s better to stick to the King’s English. Use simple, easy-to-understand terms if you want to be understood and have an impact. Just say what you mean and mean what you say!

Now that I’m just about out of runway for this column, I hope that socializing these ideas resonates with you and gives you more traction in coaching your enterprise…Sorry…Puke! Puke! Puke!